It is important for someone who has lost a child to deal with feelings of guilt for not having done something to prevent it. Feelings of having failed or having done something wrong can be deep-set. Perhaps the best way of overcoming these thoughts is to find out as much as you can about the death. If your child died in hospital, ask the doctors to explain as clearly as possible what happened. You might have to rephrase your questions several times; some doctors are good at communicating, others are not. Ask them if there was anything that could realistically have been done to make a difference.
A ‘difference’ does not mean your child’s life would necessarily have been saved by another form of, or quicker, intervention. For example, when my wife died we asked a lot of questions in the weeks and months afterwards. We found out that even if Shirin had been given a liver transplant, which the doctors were in the process of setting up when she died, it’s likely that this would only have prolonged her life rather than saved it. She would also only have been sustained by a variety of drugs, primarily steroids, which would themselves have produced severe adverse reactions.
There were other questions that we asked which the doctors had no answer to. Sometimes there are no answers. Sadly, there are not always obvious reasons for a person’s death. It’s no-one’s fault; no-one’s to blame. Even so, as parents, the future is undermined. A spark of joy is extinguished; never again will you share the beauty of your child’s life.
Death is often sudden, but sadly, some people have to endure a great deal of suffering before they die. For some terminally ill patients, doctors may only be able to relieve pain and distress. Others, such as victims of multiple sclerosis or of the AIDS virus, suffer the progressive degeneration of their bodies. Others still, might recognize the onset of senile dementia. They may feel that they are, or will be, a burden to friends and family.
When the terminally ill partner, friend or family member dies you may experience a great sense of relief that can manifest itself in two forms. The first is on an immediate level of thankfulness that he or she is no longer suffering, feels no pain and is at peace. The second level seems more insidious because you may find yourself thinking that your suffering has ended too. You no longer have to devote your life to caring for, feeding, washing or dressing the loved one, who may not even have recognized you towards the end. All the days, months or years of watching their physical or mental deterioration are over. It is no surprise that you feel relief. Associated with the relief you feel at the release of your loved one’s pain, however, will be guilt. This brings pain, but it’s important to realize that only a saint would feel no resentment at having to look after a sick partner or forgive and forget all their imperfections. Every human relationship is bound together with conflicting feelings of love and occasional dislike. And after someone you love dies it’s normal to feel guilt at having had some feelings of dislike for them when they were alive. Recognize this, and forgive yourself for experiencing almost inevitable negative reactions when death occurs.
