Fragile Pieces

In the despair following a child’s death, the grief of the surviving children can easily be overlooked, since friends and relatives generally pay their respects to the parents first, and only afterwards to the children. If the surviving child or children are teenagers or younger, they may hardly be acknowledged at all except with a passing ‘Are the children coping?’

Perhaps, if it was pointed out to someone that this attitude was slightly thoughtless, they might dispute it, saying that the parent-child relationship is the most significant – a sibling is someone who’s ‘just’ lost a brother or sister. The received wisdom appears to be that the grief of a parent who has lost a child is greater than the grief of a sibling of that child.

But a sibling’s grief is not ‘greater’ or ‘lesser’ than a parent’s; it’s simply different. And, regardless of whether they got on with their brother or sister when they were alive, it’s very real. They have lost someone who shared a common bond and background. Despite this, many surviving children feel they can’t express their feelings to the rest of the family, which in turn increases their sense of frustration, anger and resentment at being left alone to deal with their grief.

In many cases they are expected to help their parents grieve, and this can be a heavy burden because they feel that they always have to be upbeat for their parents’ sake while keeping their own grief private. Don’t forget that children can experience acute feelings of guilt as well, especially if they fostered long-term ill will against their brother or sister. For other siblings, who have lost a close companion who shared a special bond during childhood and adult life, there can be intense and long-term feelings of regret. These feelings often emerge at significant points in the surviving sibling’s life when it’s apparent that their brother or sister is not there to share in the joy, say, of a marriage, birth of a child, or even moving to a new place and starting an exciting new job.

Surviving siblings also tend to believe that the favourite or ‘wrong’ child died. So, if your other (particularly younger) children begin to adopt the personality and habits of their dead brother or sister, it may be an attempt to lessen your pain as parents. To the same end, other surviving children temporarily assume parental roles when adults cannot cope. This may happen particularly at significant family occasions such as birthdays and family reunions.

So, remember to include your children, and talk with them when they need it, but remember that they also need space. Allow them to grieve.

For a long time after the death of someone close to you, you will feel extremely sad. This sadness is more commonly known as depression, which is a clinical neurosis and not just ‘feeling a bit down’. Depression is not a mental disorder but a condition caused by circumstances and the depressed person’s inability to adapt to them. Most people who suffer depression as a reaction to the death of a loved one experience it in a mild form – although, of course, there will be some people who have a more extreme response. The usual signs of depression are fatigue, social withdrawal, disinterest in your surroundings, not caring about how you look or your general health, insomnia and a tendency to brood.

The danger with depression is that in cases where the bereaved lives alone or is otherwise isolated, the cycle of neglect is unbroken, which may lead to increased depression, possible abuse of drugs and/or alcohol, and/or an exhibition of extreme and unbalanced behaviour. The ultimate expression of depression is despair and suicide. Evidence suggests that elderly widows have a higher suicide rate than those who have not been widowed. Similarly, elderly widowers, who may have lost their sole emotional confidante as well as closest companion, seem likely to experience a loneliness that drives them towards suicidal thoughts. Still, the overwhelming majority of people who are recovering from the shock of a bereavement do not attempt suicide. But do not be surprised if you entertain morbid thoughts of taking your own life. Such gruesome fantasies are common.

It is relatively simple to counter the mild depression associated with bereavement. The answer is to keep busy and try to do something that increases your self-esteem, since the death of someone close to you inevitably lowers your feelings of self-worth. However, if the intensity of your depression is such that getting involved in your work, hobbies, pastimes or looking after your health doesn’t seem to help, consult your doctor. More extreme depression requires medical attention from experts, which is normally very effective. The treatment should not be seen as evidence of mental incapacity on your part. A depression that is the result of the death of a loved one is a natural occurrence and will be well understood by any good doctor.