Fragile Pieces

Of course, there is a great deal that you can do to help your child yourself. Apart from answering questions as honestly and as fully as you can, you can help by explaining the following concepts:

• Death is inevitable All living things must die. It’s a natural process. People don’t die because they’ve done, thought or said something wrong and are being punished for it.
• Death is irreversible It’s important to make sure that the child isn’t suffering the delusion that if they wish the person back enough they will return. Sometimes children can be confused by the permanence of death and feel bewilderment, hurt or intense anger when, for example, their parent doesn’t reappear as they used to after a business trip.
• Death is for a reason. Some children find it difficult to accept that illness, accidents or old age are straightforward reasons to die. It needs to be emphasized that the illness or accident didn’t happen because that person wasn’t ‘good’ enough to live. Similarly, though it may seem almost callous to even consider it, violent death through murder is a reason to die. It’s important for children to realize this because they often feel that they caused the death because they thought ‘bad’ things.
• Death means that all functions of life cease A child’s world is a very sensory one, full of movement and activity. Some children, who do not understand that all the sensory functions of life and all thought processes end with death, become worried that the person may feel cold, hungry or have undergone great pain if the body was cremated, or not have enough air to breathe if it was buried.

Perhaps the most important thing is for you to be patient and be available to talk to the child and to share your own feelings of grief with them. This can encourage them to talk, understand and accept death. It’s also a good idea to have a talk with the child’s teachers at school. After all, teachers are significant adults in a child’s life and can be a great help. They should be asked to make sure that while they should be flexible with the child as regards their school work, they should expect and encourage the child to do the work. Keeping busy is an essential strategy in preventing depression from taking too great a hold.

There are a number of other strategies that can encourage children to grieve in an inclusive, positive way. Together you can plant a tree or a bed of flowers in remembrance of the person who has died. Alternatively, you could help them create an album of photographs or paintings of your loved one; let the children have some input into the writing of any captions underneath the pictures. It can also help if you encourage the child to write down their feelings as a journal, poem or a story. Take some time not only with what is written, but also with the way it’s presented. You could bind all of it into book form, with covers and, perhaps, a photograph of the person on the front.

All too often children are cosseted instead of being brought into the grieving process. The justification for this decision is outwardly entirely rational: ‘Don’t upset the child.’ But, of course, the death of a family member or friend has short- and long-term effects for a child just as it has for an adult. There may be emotional difficulties for them at school and later, as young adults, it’s possible that they will suffer a loss of self-esteem and a profound sense of aloneness.

Losing a Parent

Instead of being shut out by the surviving parent, it is important for the child to be included in the grieving process from the start. High on the list of priorities for the surviving parent is the need to assure the child that he or she will be looked after, cared for and loved. This in itself might be problematic since a surviving parent may feel ill-equipped, as far as having all the skills necessary to care for and support the child or children, and, at the same time, to hold down a job. However, don’t be afraid to take your children into your confidence. Make time each day to sit with your children and talk over what has happened.

On a more practical level, even if the children are small, you might have to ask them to take on some more household responsibilities. This will not only give you all the chance to understand that you are still working together as part of a family, but also give you a framework to talk about the significant, though less serious, events that are part of everyday life. But remember that if you do ask your children to shoulder more of the day-to-day chores, it’s best if you are consistent in the demands you make of them. In other words, don’t impose extra work on them just because you may be busy at the time.

The child will have a lot of questions about the death that will probably be disturbingly frank: When? Where? How? and Why? These should be answered as openly and as honestly as possible. Perhaps most important of all, the distinction between the temporary and permanent absence of the parent should be made evident. This can be difficult with the very young. Children under the age of five have a poor understanding of the permanence of death and are likely to think of it as extended sleep. As a result they may even worry about sleeping themselves. Often the very young believe that death is a planned act for which someone is responsible. They may even feel that they are responsible in some way.

Those who are a little older realize that death is final.

However, they may seem morbidly interested in the process of the body’s decay rather than simply wanting to grieve. This may be because they tend to view death in very impersonal terms; it’s something that happens to other (and older) people. For this reason they find it interesting, but in what can seem to be a cold and heartless way. It’s possible that their impressions of death may be distorted by what they experience through television or the snippets of adults’ discussions about death they overhear.

Children of about 9-11 begin to realize that death is not only permanent, but also irreversible. They also have an understanding that it’s something that could happen to them. However, it’s not their death that worries them so much as the possibility that one or both of their parents will die - and soon. Some children attempt to hide their fears by joking about death or pretending to be perfectly indifferent to it.

Like adults, children experience similar stages of the grieving process, but can react differently. This is because they have limited experience of life and find it difficult to express the confused jumble of emotions they feel. Extremes of behaviour are common. They may at turns seem very upset and then totally disinterested in what has happened. They may want to talk about the person who’s died all the time or conversely not at all. There may be similar reactions in their attitudes to schoolwork. Almost inevitably there will be some children who constantly want attention or complain of minor illnesses such as headaches or stomach upsets.

Sometimes these extreme reactions can persist and deepen.

Some children may exhibit a constant and unreasonable anger towards everyone and everything. This may be manifested in shouting or screaming or in physical attacks on siblings or friends. Sadly, animals are often the victim of a child’s confused state; they can feel that it’s acceptable to take out their anger on a family’s pet or to shoot at birds with a catapult or air gun. Depression for children can be a real problem. They may isolate themselves from all their friends and family, develop an extreme fear of going to school, and threaten suicide. If you feel your child’s behaviour goes beyond a normal expression of grief then consider outside help.