Fragile Pieces

All too often children are cosseted instead of being brought into the grieving process. The justification for this decision is outwardly entirely rational: ‘Don’t upset the child.’ But, of course, the death of a family member or friend has short- and long-term effects for a child just as it has for an adult. There may be emotional difficulties for them at school and later, as young adults, it’s possible that they will suffer a loss of self-esteem and a profound sense of aloneness.

Losing a Parent

Instead of being shut out by the surviving parent, it is important for the child to be included in the grieving process from the start. High on the list of priorities for the surviving parent is the need to assure the child that he or she will be looked after, cared for and loved. This in itself might be problematic since a surviving parent may feel ill-equipped, as far as having all the skills necessary to care for and support the child or children, and, at the same time, to hold down a job. However, don’t be afraid to take your children into your confidence. Make time each day to sit with your children and talk over what has happened.

On a more practical level, even if the children are small, you might have to ask them to take on some more household responsibilities. This will not only give you all the chance to understand that you are still working together as part of a family, but also give you a framework to talk about the significant, though less serious, events that are part of everyday life. But remember that if you do ask your children to shoulder more of the day-to-day chores, it’s best if you are consistent in the demands you make of them. In other words, don’t impose extra work on them just because you may be busy at the time.

The child will have a lot of questions about the death that will probably be disturbingly frank: When? Where? How? and Why? These should be answered as openly and as honestly as possible. Perhaps most important of all, the distinction between the temporary and permanent absence of the parent should be made evident. This can be difficult with the very young. Children under the age of five have a poor understanding of the permanence of death and are likely to think of it as extended sleep. As a result they may even worry about sleeping themselves. Often the very young believe that death is a planned act for which someone is responsible. They may even feel that they are responsible in some way.

Those who are a little older realize that death is final.

However, they may seem morbidly interested in the process of the body’s decay rather than simply wanting to grieve. This may be because they tend to view death in very impersonal terms; it’s something that happens to other (and older) people. For this reason they find it interesting, but in what can seem to be a cold and heartless way. It’s possible that their impressions of death may be distorted by what they experience through television or the snippets of adults’ discussions about death they overhear.

Children of about 9-11 begin to realize that death is not only permanent, but also irreversible. They also have an understanding that it’s something that could happen to them. However, it’s not their death that worries them so much as the possibility that one or both of their parents will die - and soon. Some children attempt to hide their fears by joking about death or pretending to be perfectly indifferent to it.

Like adults, children experience similar stages of the grieving process, but can react differently. This is because they have limited experience of life and find it difficult to express the confused jumble of emotions they feel. Extremes of behaviour are common. They may at turns seem very upset and then totally disinterested in what has happened. They may want to talk about the person who’s died all the time or conversely not at all. There may be similar reactions in their attitudes to schoolwork. Almost inevitably there will be some children who constantly want attention or complain of minor illnesses such as headaches or stomach upsets.

Sometimes these extreme reactions can persist and deepen.

Some children may exhibit a constant and unreasonable anger towards everyone and everything. This may be manifested in shouting or screaming or in physical attacks on siblings or friends. Sadly, animals are often the victim of a child’s confused state; they can feel that it’s acceptable to take out their anger on a family’s pet or to shoot at birds with a catapult or air gun. Depression for children can be a real problem. They may isolate themselves from all their friends and family, develop an extreme fear of going to school, and threaten suicide. If you feel your child’s behaviour goes beyond a normal expression of grief then consider outside help.

Given these stresses, it is immensely difficult for those left behind to pick up the pieces of their lives, and start to recover. It’s quite possible that specialist help will be necessary to overcome the barriers of silence inside the family, and feelings of public isolation. However, regardless of whether a specialist is brought in, there are a number of strategies that you can use to help cope with your loss:

• Talk Make sure that the family talks about what has happened. It’s important for everyone to show each other constructive support at this time. This is especially true in the first few days following the death since this is a time when feelings of guilt, and bitter accusations of blame, are likely to surface and stifle and ensnare a family in a cycle of unhealthy recrimination.
• Be objective It is common for survivors of an adult suicide to view the death, and the person, in extreme terms. This can result in seeing your loved one as having had an almost saintlike personality. In addition, survivors often assume total responsibility for not having foreseen the act itself, and blame themselves for not having ‘done enough’ to prevent it. While sadly there is sometimes good reason for such guilt, it is important to realize that suicide is not necessarily motivated by a feeling of not being supported by others, but can be a result of an unseen accumulation of stresses, or by psychiatric disorders and personality factors that probably could not have been influenced by immediate family members. It is essential to correct distorted guilt patterns and reassess attitudes so that the fact of suicide, and objective feelings of guilt, can be accepted as soon as possible. With acceptance and understanding, it is more likely that a sense of peace will follow.

Younger children tend to have a very clear notion of causation, and commonly believe that since no-one else is to blame for their illness, they somehow are responsible for bad things happening to them. They may not openly say this, but it’s likely that these thoughts will be deeply troubling them. Questions like: ‘Why am I ill?’ or ‘What’s happening to me?’ can be coded messages from children, inviting reassurance rather than a straightforward explanation of what’s happening to their bodies. One way of gently opening up these thoughts, and resolving these fears, is to turn questions like these on their head and ask your child why they think they’re ill or what could be happening to them. Thus they have the opportunity to express what is really worrying them.

This doesn’t mean, of course, that children don’t worry about what’s happening to their bodies. They do. In cases where there are multiple treatments, constant side-effects, and occasional relapses and failures, it can feel to the child that their body no longer belongs to them, but somehow is the property of the doctors and nurses. Very young children can become extremely upset when medical staff have to take blood samples, not understanding that their bodies can replace any blood that’s taken from them.

Furthermore, children also may be aware that they will die.

They will be anxious about this even though they might not openly say so.

All of these constitute delicate subjects that should be treated according to your child’s age and understanding, and in a spirit of honesty, reassurance and supportiveness. Children aren’t incapable of understanding what’s happening, and, like an adult, can feel very alone and fearful. They need to be listened to, by you and by professionals, and be given guidance on how to face their illness, and to live optimistically despite it.

It is not possible to describe every kind of loss or every way in which people grieve. Death comes in all forms, and people react in countless ways. For each individual, the death and loss of a loved one is unique, and grieved for in a wholly distinctive fashion. However, it is possible to focus on similarities in broad categories of grief, and show ways that could help in resolving them.

The following sections provide a framework to patterns of death and grief that can be applied to the commonality of many other people’s experiences.

Death is inevitable. Typically though most people avoid the subject until they experience the death of someone close to them. If they do think of death, it’s often in terms of how it affects other people. Perhaps avoidance is a mechanism we need in order to function effectively in a world where the reality of wars, accidents, famine and sickness brings an end to life. And to think too closely about death might mean not taking everyday risks such as crossing the road, taking a lift or flying in an aircraft. This ‘thoughtlessness’ helps us cope.

However, there is an antithesis in not allowing death to invade too closely in our thoughts. In denying death, we tend to deny that it can take anyone at any time, and through any agent or medium. So, when it comes (as it surely will) we can be taken by surprise.

Even then, acknowledging the fact of death is not enough.

Death isn’t just someone being there one day and not being there the next. People who suffer the profound anguish of bereavement not only feel the loss of an individual, but often the ruin of the totality of their whole lives. It’s an intense and desperate crisis that devastates individuals and families. Some feel that they simply cannot continue. This is a book that aims to address this sense of hopelessness by providing practical help and advice, and to show that it is possible to carryon after someone has died, and reestablish a meaningful life.

This is difficult to do because everyone has a different experience of death. In my own case, death was shocking and unexpected. My wife, Shirin, died in hospital after a short and seemingly minor illness. The last words she ever said to me were: ‘Don’t be upset.’ A few moments later she arrested. She was transferred from her ward to the Intensive Care Unit and despite all the efforts of the medical staff was pronounced dead about an hour later. She was thirty-nine. We had been married for almost seven years.

No-one knows why she died. The consultant treating her was unable to provide a diagnosis, and despite exhaustive investigations by scientists in the Public Health Bureau, all tests proved negative.

I was totally unprepared. Like many people, I’d never thought deeply about the certainty of my own death and did not think that my wife would die so young and without warning. And, of course, when she died I was very upset. I experienced an agony of intense, raw pain for weeks afterwards that was physical as well as emotional. But, in the months that followed, I learnt to draw on reserves of strength that anyone who has not experienced the loss of a close relative, but perhaps especially a partner or child, would find difficult to comprehend.

If, like me, you’ve lost a partner in young adulthood, it is more likely that you will have had little experience of death as compared to someone who has been widowed later in life. For the most part, death for young adults is unexpected. Most of them probably give little thought to the possibility of the death of their partner other than an occasional: ‘What if … ?’ For this reason, they are more likely to find it difficult to adjust to the death of someone close to them than older people, who have been exposed to more experiences of death and have had more time to anticipate and prepare for the death of their partner and of their friends. Young adults tend to personalize death.

In other sad circumstances, children die. Parents often feel that they are somehow responsible. They feel guilt, thinking that they have been remiss in not providing a safe environment for their child. These feelings of failure may be intensified if the child died through miscarriage, stillbirth or cot death. The death of a young child can bring about great strains in a family. Partners often find their relationship less fulfilling than before, and disappointment, bitterness and resentment can follow. They may find it difficult to talk to each other, or with remaining children, which builds barriers to healing.

Most people, however, experience the death of a parent while they themselves are in middle age. Although this does not usually involve the same shock at the seeming senselessness of a younger person’s death, adjustments nevertheless need to be made. For example, bereaved offspring who are middle-aged often start to seriously consider the certainty of their own death and begin to ‘wind down’ their affairs in preparation for it by drawing up a will or discarding physical and emotional clutter from their lives. In addition, many have the shocking realization that there is no-one left in the world who will give them the unconditional love that their parents did.

But, reactions to death are intensely personal and variable. It’s probably true to say that while we can empathize, no-one can really understand the depth of the emotional turmoil of each individual who has been bereaved. However, it is possible to construct a framework for a recovery from the trauma of death that can be applied to most people’s circumstances.