Bereavement in Old Age
There can be severe emotional problems for older people after their partner dies. Some adjust very well to death, but in cases where partners have been together for many years, day-to-day living can be difficult. One reason, apart from loneliness, is that older couples are often mutually dependent, and the lack of support after a death can lead to chronic self-neglect. Why bother? time and life seem so pointless now. This reaction is common if one of a couple had to care for their partner for many months or years before they died. Tied to this is the burden of guilt at feelings of relief in seeing a partner’s misery coming to an end. This is not to say that most who wish their partner dead are motivated by hate – quite the opposite – but it’s characteristic of carers of the long-term ill to have such thoughts.
Practical Problems
There are many practical problems for someone who has been bereaved in old age. Perhaps chief among these is loneliness, but there are other anxieties including concerns about health, possible financial difficulties, and issues of security. Here are a few suggestions to deal with these particular issues:
- Loneliness The loneliness after bereavement in old age can be intense. It doesn’t help that in Western society, where the extended family rarely lives together and may be quite widely scattered, widows and widowers almost invariably find themselves alone, and may become dangerously isolated. The sense of longing and loss is a feeling that some believe they can never get over. The only way to overcome loneliness is to work at it. Don’t expect it to be easy. It won’t be. Early on it may also seem as though to have fun is somehow disloyal to the memory of your partner, but there may come a time when instead of becoming distraught, and wistfully reflecting: ’1 wish she/he was here’, you might begin to enjoy the activity itself without guilt and smile, and think: ‘Yes, she/he would have liked this too.’ Lack of money or mobility also can make things difficult, but if you have some extra cash to spare you could think about going to evening classes at a local college or joining one of the extracurricular classes at a university. Some local councils subsidize such courses, and so they can be fairly cheap. The range of studies is huge; there’s everything from learning how to upholster furniture to becoming computer literate or learning a new language. And, of course, it’s a very good way of meeting people. If you’re more mobile you could join a rambling club, a bowls club or a choir.
- Health Some researchers have concluded that elderly widows and widowers are more likely to suffer illness or die soon after a bereavement. A few put this down to a loss of will to live, or more simply put, a broken heart. Others suggest that any increase in visits to doctors in the six months after a bereavement can be put down to tension or anxiety, or symptoms of illness that were ignored just prior to their partner’s death. Whatever the case, living by yourself is certainly difficult. Without a companion there doesn’t seem much reason to get up, eat properly and get out and about. There are potential health risks in this. Simple things can help: eat properly balanced meals; make sure you exercise regularly; keep warm.
- Money Money doesn’t need to be tight for you to take advantage of any benefits that you might be entitled to. State grants or credit are not charity. If you are not very mobile or have medically-documented physical problems, you may be eligible for financial support. There is no shame in taking it. Similarly, if your partner served in any of the armed forces, you may be entitled to a sum of money as the widow of a war veteran.
- Security It’s a fact that most elderly people who have lost a partner are women. Women tend to live longer than men, and also to marry older men. By the age of seventy-five two-thirds of women have lost their husbands. Many women in this position, probably quite rightly, feel threatened and physically at risk. If you haven’t already done so, install a chain on your door, and a fish-eye peephole, so that you can check on people who are calling. Put locks on all of the windows. Always ask to see the cards of any officials or workmen. If in doubt, call up their offices to be quite sure that they are legitimate. (Get the numbers from the telephone directory; any number you get from the person at the door might simply put you in touch with an accomplice.) Don’t be put off by people complaining that you’re being ‘difficult’; you’re just being safe. You could consider getting a dog. Get to know your neighbours, and let them know when you’re going away so they can keep an eye on your place. A telephone is an essential tool in keeping in touch with officials and friends. Think seriously about getting a phone/fax machine, or a computer with a modem and e-mail (if you haven’t got one already) as this makes communication easier.
Remember that your life still counts even though the death of your partner may have slightly shifted your perspective at present. You still have the right to make choices and decisions, to be treated decently and with respect, and to have control over what happens to you. Being older can make it a little more difficult, perhaps because in Western society the elderly aren’t valued as highly as they should be, but it is completely possible.
One way of starting to take control is to get organized. Arrange what you’re going to do the next day each evening. This could be a part of a regular (possibly weekly) routine involving getting out for a walk every day with a purpose other than getting some fresh air, such as getting your pension, going to a class or an exhibition, or posting letters. Get some exercise, be curious and active. If you aren’t so mobile, ask relatives and friends to help with things you can’t do yourself. Alternatively, contact an association that represents elderly people for information and assistance.
