Fragile Pieces

The majority of bereaved people eventually manage to get their lives together, and find that life is again meaningful. They realize that even though there will be no-one to replace their loved one, they will have new and fulfilling relationships with others and will develop new interests and hobbies. But some people are either unable or unwilling to end the grieving process. They find themselves locked into a cycle of excessive and chronic despair, guilt and anger.

As you might imagine, given the varied nature of people’s circumstances, the process of grieving is not necessarily straightforward. Its normal progress can be disrupted by a variety of factors including the unspeakable nature of the death, the attitude of the people around the bereaved person, and a tendency, when people lose their partner, to distort the dead partner’s qualities.

In rare cases, the suddenness, and sometimes violence, of death can create a crisis of such enormity that it can take a great deal of time for grief to be resolved. Murder, being burned to death, dying in a car or plane crash, or as an innocent bystander or victim of terrorist attack are examples. The facts, and the magnitude, of what has happened may go so far beyond the experiences of those who are left that they cannot cope. Fear, incomprehension, vulnerability, and an intense anger at anyone (or a god) who may be responsible, are probable emotional outcomes. In addition, if your loved one was murdered, or killed themselves, the stigma can be so strong that it can lead to even more protracted grief. The questions commonly asked by neighbours or acquaintances, for example: ‘Why didn’t you do something?’ or ‘Didn’t you know they were going to kill themselves?’, can stir intense feelings of guilt and shame.

It doesn’t always end with only coming to terms with the death itself. The aftermath of such horrors in courtrooms, with officials, the police and the media can be as stressful and traumatic as the appalling events themselves. In these circumstances, it is likely that you would benefit from help by professionals who will provide an environment and support system for you to begin a full, healthy resolution to your grief. Refer to the Resources section at the back of this book for addresses of useful organizations.

Unsatisfactory Support

However, in more normal circumstances, one of the main reasons for an abnormally lengthy period of grieving is the lack of the right kind of support from friends and family. Some relatives and friends, with the best of intentions, don’t allow the bereaved person to talk about the death of their loved one. They fall silent when this ‘difficult’ subject is broached because they don’t want to risk ‘upsetting’ the bereaved. They forget that it is probably next to impossible to get more upset than the bereaved already is.

Other sets of family and friends go to the other extreme. They lavish excessive attention on the bereaved for an extended period that sometimes prevents them from starting work again or from renewing their old interests and friendships. They might insist: ‘Not yet. You’re not ready yet.’

This over-concern, while again undertaken with the interests of the bereaved at heart, unfortunately prevents the healthy and steady maturation of the grieving process. It goes against the advice of psychologists, who suggest that the most productive and supportive climate for the bereaved is one where they are able to acknowledge and express their feelings. During this process tears will fall, but this isn’t a case of getting more upset, it’s just a part of the process of recovery. And instead of smothering the bereaved with attention, it would be more appropriate for the bereaved to be encouraged to find practical solutions to the difficulties they face in returning to ‘ordinary’ everyday life.

Bereaved Partners

There are also issues that arise in the recovery period that relate specifically to bereaved partners. It sometimes happens that over time the image they have of their deceased partner becomes so distorted that it interferes with the successful formation of new relationships. In effect, the deceased partner is ‘sanctified’ by the surviving partner. They habitually compare any new person they meet with an almost angelic figure who is all of the best aspects of their loved one, but without any of their less attractive features. More often than not, this comparison is conducted negatively: ‘Ah, but my wife/husband/partner would never have done this. She/he was so kind, thoughtful and giving. I’ll never meet anyone as good as her/him.’

While we would all like to remember our loved ones with the greatest of affection, it can be necessary, in order for the surviving partner to move on, for the ties with the first partner to be worked through and discussed in an objective manner by both parties in the early stages of a new relationship.

There can be severe emotional problems for older people after their partner dies. Some adjust very well to death, but in cases where partners have been together for many years, day-to-day living can be difficult. One reason, apart from loneliness, is that older couples are often mutually dependent, and the lack of support after a death can lead to chronic self-neglect. Why bother? time and life seem so pointless now. This reaction is common if one of a couple had to care for their partner for many months or years before they died. Tied to this is the burden of guilt at feelings of relief in seeing a partner’s misery coming to an end. This is not to say that most who wish their partner dead are motivated by hate – quite the opposite – but it’s characteristic of carers of the long-term ill to have such thoughts.

Practical Problems

There are many practical problems for someone who has been bereaved in old age. Perhaps chief among these is loneliness, but there are other anxieties including concerns about health, possible financial difficulties, and issues of security. Here are a few suggestions to deal with these particular issues:

• Loneliness The loneliness after bereavement in old age can be intense. It doesn’t help that in Western society, where the extended family rarely lives together and may be quite widely scattered, widows and widowers almost invariably find themselves alone, and may become dangerously isolated. The sense of longing and loss is a feeling that some believe they can never get over. The only way to overcome loneliness is to work at it. Don’t expect it to be easy. It won’t be. Early on it may also seem as though to have fun is somehow disloyal to the memory of your partner, but there may come a time when instead of becoming distraught, and wistfully reflecting: ’1 wish she/he was here’, you might begin to enjoy the activity itself without guilt and smile, and think: ‘Yes, she/he would have liked this too.’ Lack of money or mobility also can make things difficult, but if you have some extra cash to spare you could think about going to evening classes at a local college or joining one of the extracurricular classes at a university. Some local councils subsidize such courses, and so they can be fairly cheap. The range of studies is huge; there’s everything from learning how to upholster furniture to becoming computer literate or learning a new language. And, of course, it’s a very good way of meeting people. If you’re more mobile you could join a rambling club, a bowls club or a choir.
• Health Some researchers have concluded that elderly widows and widowers are more likely to suffer illness or die soon after a bereavement. A few put this down to a loss of will to live, or more simply put, a broken heart. Others suggest that any increase in visits to doctors in the six months after a bereavement can be put down to tension or anxiety, or symptoms of illness that were ignored just prior to their partner’s death. Whatever the case, living by yourself is certainly difficult. Without a companion there doesn’t seem much reason to get up, eat properly and get out and about. There are potential health risks in this. Simple things can help: eat properly balanced meals; make sure you exercise regularly; keep warm.
• Money Money doesn’t need to be tight for you to take advantage of any benefits that you might be entitled to. State grants or credit are not charity. If you are not very mobile or have medically-documented physical problems, you may be eligible for financial support. There is no shame in taking it. Similarly, if your partner served in any of the armed forces, you may be entitled to a sum of money as the widow of a war veteran.
• Security It’s a fact that most elderly people who have lost a partner are women. Women tend to live longer than men, and also to marry older men. By the age of seventy-five two-thirds of women have lost their husbands. Many women in this position, probably quite rightly, feel threatened and physically at risk. If you haven’t already done so, install a chain on your door, and a fish-eye peephole, so that you can check on people who are calling. Put locks on all of the windows. Always ask to see the cards of any officials or workmen. If in doubt, call up their offices to be quite sure that they are legitimate. (Get the numbers from the telephone directory; any number you get from the person at the door might simply put you in touch with an accomplice.) Don’t be put off by people complaining that you’re being ‘difficult’; you’re just being safe. You could consider getting a dog. Get to know your neighbours, and let them know when you’re going away so they can keep an eye on your place. A telephone is an essential tool in keeping in touch with officials and friends. Think seriously about getting a phone/fax machine, or a computer with a modem and e-mail (if you haven’t got one already) as this makes communication easier.

Remember that your life still counts even though the death of your partner may have slightly shifted your perspective at present. You still have the right to make choices and decisions, to be treated decently and with respect, and to have control over what happens to you. Being older can make it a little more difficult, perhaps because in Western society the elderly aren’t valued as highly as they should be, but it is completely possible.

One way of starting to take control is to get organized. Arrange what you’re going to do the next day each evening. This could be a part of a regular (possibly weekly) routine involving getting out for a walk every day with a purpose other than getting some fresh air, such as getting your pension, going to a class or an exhibition, or posting letters. Get some exercise, be curious and active. If you aren’t so mobile, ask relatives and friends to help with things you can’t do yourself. Alternatively, contact an association that represents elderly people for information and assistance.

Of course, there is a great deal that you can do to help your child yourself. Apart from answering questions as honestly and as fully as you can, you can help by explaining the following concepts:

• Death is inevitable All living things must die. It’s a natural process. People don’t die because they’ve done, thought or said something wrong and are being punished for it.
• Death is irreversible It’s important to make sure that the child isn’t suffering the delusion that if they wish the person back enough they will return. Sometimes children can be confused by the permanence of death and feel bewilderment, hurt or intense anger when, for example, their parent doesn’t reappear as they used to after a business trip.
• Death is for a reason. Some children find it difficult to accept that illness, accidents or old age are straightforward reasons to die. It needs to be emphasized that the illness or accident didn’t happen because that person wasn’t ‘good’ enough to live. Similarly, though it may seem almost callous to even consider it, violent death through murder is a reason to die. It’s important for children to realize this because they often feel that they caused the death because they thought ‘bad’ things.
• Death means that all functions of life cease A child’s world is a very sensory one, full of movement and activity. Some children, who do not understand that all the sensory functions of life and all thought processes end with death, become worried that the person may feel cold, hungry or have undergone great pain if the body was cremated, or not have enough air to breathe if it was buried.

Perhaps the most important thing is for you to be patient and be available to talk to the child and to share your own feelings of grief with them. This can encourage them to talk, understand and accept death. It’s also a good idea to have a talk with the child’s teachers at school. After all, teachers are significant adults in a child’s life and can be a great help. They should be asked to make sure that while they should be flexible with the child as regards their school work, they should expect and encourage the child to do the work. Keeping busy is an essential strategy in preventing depression from taking too great a hold.

There are a number of other strategies that can encourage children to grieve in an inclusive, positive way. Together you can plant a tree or a bed of flowers in remembrance of the person who has died. Alternatively, you could help them create an album of photographs or paintings of your loved one; let the children have some input into the writing of any captions underneath the pictures. It can also help if you encourage the child to write down their feelings as a journal, poem or a story. Take some time not only with what is written, but also with the way it’s presented. You could bind all of it into book form, with covers and, perhaps, a photograph of the person on the front.