Shock and Denial
Shock is almost inevitable if the death had come suddenly or unexpectedly. Shock can be regarded as a physiological trauma that seems almost to overload the system. The news is too much to take in. There are two possible outward reactions: an unnerving feeling of composure and normality, or near hysteria.
At this stage you have little or no control over the way you behave. I remember being almost unable to move or speak when the doctors came in from the Intensive Care Unit to tell us the news, even though I had known that the end was near. It was only later when I had completed the formalities and was in the hospital car park that I broke down totally, in a near panic of confusion and anxiety.
Because of the enormity of what has happened it is more than likely that at first you will be unable to accept the reality of death. In fact, you may find yourself refusing to accept your situation. However, it is essential, if you are to start recovering from the shock you’ve had, that you take in the truth and admit that you will not be able to change what has happened. This is not easy to do, but if you do not acknowledge that this is the case, and resist it, then it is almost certain that the stresses and anxieties that will inevitably build up within you will lead to a severe strain on your bodily and psychological resources.
Denial is all too easy. We are surrounded by an elaborate codified language of death that is used to cloud reality and to create a distance between ourselves and it. We talk of the ‘chapel of rest’, ‘to rest in peace’, ‘to sleep peacefully’, ‘to be at rest’, ‘eternal rest’ or ‘not dead but sleeping’. However, exhaustion and emotional collapse are certain outcomes of a prolonged period of refusal to accept the inevitable. More common reactions are a desire to withdraw socially, feeling unable to cope with the new responsibilities that you’ve inherited after a loved one’s death, or being incapable of making even simple decisions. You have no choice but to accept and adapt to your new, unwanted circumstances. And the sooner you do so, the better.
