Guilt Feelings for the Loss of a Child
It is important for someone who has lost a child to deal with feelings of guilt for not having done something to prevent it. Feelings of having failed or having done something wrong can be deep-set. Perhaps the best way of overcoming these thoughts is to find out as much as you can about the death. If your child died in hospital, ask the doctors to explain as clearly as possible what happened. You might have to rephrase your questions several times; some doctors are good at communicating, others are not. Ask them if there was anything that could realistically have been done to make a difference.
A ‘difference’ does not mean your child’s life would necessarily have been saved by another form of, or quicker, intervention. For example, when my wife died we asked a lot of questions in the weeks and months afterwards. We found out that even if Shirin had been given a liver transplant, which the doctors were in the process of setting up when she died, it’s likely that this would only have prolonged her life rather than saved it. She would also only have been sustained by a variety of drugs, primarily steroids, which would themselves have produced severe adverse reactions.
There were other questions that we asked which the doctors had no answer to. Sometimes there are no answers. Sadly, there are not always obvious reasons for a person’s death. It’s no-one’s fault; no-one’s to blame. Even so, as parents, the future is undermined. A spark of joy is extinguished; never again will you share the beauty of your child’s life.
