Anxiety
Anxieties associated with bereavement range from the major to the trivial. When one partner dies, for example, it often happens that the surviving partner feels they are unable to cope with all of the obligations and demands of the future, especially when they do not have the support of their partner to help and guide them. This fear of the future can be so terrifying that the person lies awake at night so tense with worry that they almost feel on the verge of emotional collapse. Their anxieties might include worrying about being able to pay a mortgage, distress at being forced into unwanted work in order to make ends meet, or even fear over how to change fuses in a fuse box if they’ve never done it before.
If you’ve lost a child you could feel anxious that you might not be able to look after surviving children properly, or even those you might intend to have in the future. A young child might have deep and often unrealistic worries concerning death itself, and might feel that either they have somehow contributed to a person’s death or that they or people close to them will die soon. A friend or sibling might worry that others will be judging their emotional reactions after a death as being too distant or insincere.
Quite simply, someone who has been bereaved may feel that they may be losing their mind, or believe that they are just unable to cope with the future. Their great anxiety is that of breaking down and being incapable of functioning from one day to the next. Of course, in the majority of cases, the reality is the opposite. However, the fact that the person is experiencing fears out of proportion to the reality of the situation is the defining characteristic of anxiety.
Initially, the scale of worry that you might feel you have to face will be enormous. It might make you feel indecisive, helpless and useless, which in turn feeds your anxiety. But over the weeks and the months that follow you will haoe to confront these fears and, in confronting them, you will find that they will diminish. Perhaps the greatest aid in combating anxiety is being able to relax. Relaxation is a series of skills that can be learnt and practised at almost any time of the day. When you are able to relax you will be able to tackle you fears head on and, in tackling them, you will find that they disappear. See Chapter 5 on relaxation and meditation techniques for more ideas.
